


The Boy With My Heart In His Pocket

by cre8iveovadose



Series: Second Chance [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 16:44:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 13,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3817648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cre8iveovadose/pseuds/cre8iveovadose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian Smythe once said that he had lived in Paris. But what had driven him halfway around the world? Why did he have terrible knotted scars on the inside of his arms? Who had beaten and bruised and broken him so much that the only way to survive was to leave? Sebastian had a secret and a boy had his heart in their pocket.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**THE BOY WITH MY HEART IN HIS POCKET**

**CHAPTER 1:**

Sebastian Smythe’s head felt like it weighed a tonne. He didn’t know what he was doing as he aimlessly flicked through the CDs. He hadn’t slept last night and the other kids at school had been relentless in their torment that day. Some of the guys on the lacrosse team had gone so far as to light his English notes on fire. He sighed as he thought about it but turned away from the shelves and buried his hands in his pockets as he headed for the door.

“Excuse me, are you alright?”

Sebastian turned back to find a boy with wide blue eyes and windswept blond hair watching him with something akin to concern. The boy moved forward and extended his hand.

“I’m Jesse, Jesse Connors,” he said.

“Sebastian Smythe,” Sebastian replied as he shook his hand. “What uh, what did you ask me?”

“I asked if you were alright,” Jesse stuffed his hands back into his jacket pockets. “Are you?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

“You look sad,” Jesse admitted with a shrug of one shoulder. “And someone as handsome as you shouldn’t have to look sad.”

Sebastian blushed, looking away and laughing nervously. “I guess not,” he murmured as he ran a hand through his brown hair. “I uh, I should be going though. Don’t want my parents to worry too much.”

“Oh, I was kind of hoping we could go get coffee, but if you really need to go…”

Sebastian bit his lip as he checked his watch. “Well, I guess I’ve got time enough for one coffee.”

A grin split across Jesse’s features before he grabbed Sebastian’s hand. “Come on, I know this great little place.”

Sebastian couldn’t help but laugh as Jesse pulled him outside and down the bustling street. His heart was racing in his chest and he couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face. He had never done something so spontaneous in his life.

Jesse stopped outside a small coffee shop, shooting a grin to Sebastian before they headed inside. They approached the register and Sebastian moved to pull out his wallet.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it,” Jesse said with a smile. “What do you want?”

“Uh, caramel latté  please,” Sebastian said to the cashier before watching as Jesse ordered his own black, sugarless coffee before they went to sit in the back corner of the shop.

Jesse sat down across from Sebastian who felt awkward as the older boy watched him.

“Are you in school?” Sebastian asked.

“Yeah, senior year. You?”

“Sophomore,” Sebastian shrugged. “It sucks.”

“It’ll get better,” Jesse said with a soft smile. “Do you play any sports?”

“Yeah, I’m on the lacrosse team. Defender.”

“You look more like a centre to me.”

Sebastian blushed again though he wasn’t sure why. “I used to play centre but they knocked me back this year.”

“Why would they do that?” Jesse asked with a frown. There was a hint of anger in his voice and Sebastian felt wary about the sudden change in emotion.

Sebastian shrugged it off. “I guess they didn’t want to accept that the most important player on their team was gay.”

Jesse didn’t respond to that but when Sebastian went to ask why, the waitress appeared with their coffees.

“There you go boys, enjoy,” she said with a smile. Sebastian watched her walk away, trying to gather his thoughts as Jesse remained silent.

“They can’t do that to you.”

“That’s what my parents said but the school wouldn’t budge. It doesn’t really matter – I went home and cut myself and all was fine the next day,” Sebastian froze, his cup held mid-air as he realised what he’d said. “I don’t know why I just told you that.”

Jesse smiled sadly. “It’s okay. Everyone struggles with something.”

“No one’s ever said it like that before,” Sebastian murmured. “Most people’s jaws drop and they ask me if I’m insane. Then they try to make me promise to stop and talk to some idiot therapist.”

Jesse nodded. “I know. It sucks. People just don’t understand other people sometimes.”

“Most of the time,” Sebastian corrected as he sipped at his latté.

“Do you do anything else? Like, school-wise?” Jesse asked as turned his cup around on the spot.

“Not really. I can’t ever really focus much because people are either throwing things at me or snickering behind my back. I just sit at the back and try not to get noticed. Which is apparently a lot harder than the movies make it seem.”

“Have you ever fought back?”

“The last time I did that was the first time and it ended with me in detention for two weeks and an adjustment to my medication.”

Sebastian sat with Jesse and talked for what felt like hours. He had never felt so at ease talking to someone and part of him wished that Jesse was a psychologist rather than some stranger from a record store. Jesse just sat and listened, didn’t interrupt, just watched as Sebastian sifted through his fears and worries.

When Sebastian felt his phone vibrating, he finally stopped talking. He checked it to find a text message from his mother.

**From: Mom**

**Sebastian, where are you? You were meant to be home an hour ago. Is everything ok?**

“Shit, I’ve gotta go, I didn’t realise how late it was,” Sebastian said quickly before downing the rest of his coffee.

“I can drive you if you want,” Jesse offered as he got to his feet.

“No, no, I’ll just take the bus,” Sebastian murmured. “Thank you though.”

“Well if I can’t drive you home can I at least see you tomorrow?” Jesse asked.

Sebastian looked to him, happiness drifting through him. “S-Sure. Where?”

“The park? At noon?”

Sebastian smiled and blushed as he nodded. “Sure, I’ll see you there.”

“Great,” Jesse said as Sebastian began walking away. “It was really nice to meet you, Sebastian.”

Sebastian turned and walked backwards towards the door. “It was nice to meet you too.”

As he stepped out into the cold, Sebastian felt the joy bubble inside of him. He hadn’t felt like this in a long time but he knew what it meant. It meant something wonderful was about to happen.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2:**

The next morning, Sebastian woke with an intense longing and excitement that he couldn’t quite contain. He ate a quick breakfast before rushing back upstairs to his room where he grabbed his coat and scarf before bounding for the front door.

“Where are you going, young man?” his mother called from the living room where she sat reading a magazine.

Sebastian sighed and turned to Annabelle Smythe. “I’m meeting a friend in the park, Mom.”

Annabelle turned to her son, a look of surprise on her face that she quickly swallowed as she folded the magazine. “A friend? Who?”

“Jesse, Jesse Connors. We met yesterday, he’s the reason I was so late coming home. He asked me to meet him today,” Sebastian explained. He was depending on the fact that he had made a friend to get him off the hook. It should work considering how much time his mother had spent pestering him to make friends over the past two years.

“Well, um, do you want me to drive you? Or to pick you up?”

“No, that’s fine. I’ll just take the bus.”

“Well, if you change your mind or it starts raining, just let me know,” Annabelle replied with a smile. “Have fun, dear.”

Sebastian grinned back before he rushed outside into the bitter cold. The wait for the bus was torturous as the icy wind buffeted Sebastian where he stood, bouncing from foot to foot to keep warm. He guessed he looked like an idiot but he was too excited about seeing Jesse again to care.

He didn’t know what it was about the boy from the record store but Sebastian felt drawn to him in a way he had not experienced before. He had never met someone like Jesse – someone who cared and listened and _actually wanted to spend time with him_. Sebastian was hoping that his hunch was right and that Jesse was gay and that they could live happily ever after together until the end of time.

The bus pulled up and Sebastian climbed on, taking his ticket and sliding it into his wallet as he smiled to himself. The ride was short and the weather was still unforgiving when he climbed down and crossed the road to the park but seeing Jesse leaned up against a leafless tree with a cigarette hanging from his lips.

Sebastian smiled as he drew level with Jesse. “Hey, how are you?”

“I’m good,” Jesse replied as he stamped out his cigarette. “And you?”

“I’m fine,” Sebastian said with a nod as he slipped his hands into his pockets. “What do you wanna do today?”

“Tell me more about you,” Jesse said as he began striding down the path.

Sebastian rushed to keep up with him. “You heard about me yesterday, tell me about you.”

“There’s not much to say,” Jesse said with a smirk. “No one at school likes me. I’ve been cutting myself for as long as I can remember. And the only time I feel alive is when I have nicotine or endorphins rushing through my bloodstream.”

Sebastian nodded slowly, not fully understanding what Jesse was saying but he shrugged it off. “Well, what do you want to know about me?”

Jesse looked to Sebastian and laughed softly. “Wow, I have never known someone with depression to be such an open book.” He paused, watching as Sebastian blushed. “What about your family? What are they like?”

“Well, my parents are Marcus and Annabelle. Dad’s a state’s attorney and mom used to be a teacher. When all the problems started happening after I came out though, she resigned. Told them she needed to protect her family,” Sebastian paused to smile, remembering that day fondly. “My mom’s pretty amazing really… And then I’ve got an older sister, Chelsea. She’s a junior this year.”

“How do you two get on?”

“Pretty good most of the time. She used to be a pain in the ass but when my parents found out about the cutting, she got better, started treating me better. I dunno if it’s genuine or not but it’s easier to think that it is.”

“What kind of music do you like?”

“Anything really. I mostly only listen to sad songs though.”

“Why’s that?”

Sebastian paused, trying to figure out the best way to word it. “Because it mirrors how I feel on the inside.”

“And how do you feel on the inside?” Jesse asked quietly.

“Like peeling the skin away from my veins and letting them bleed themselves dry.” Sebastian answered immediately, unable to stop himself but he panicked and looked to Jesse with wide eyes. “Oh God, I can’t believe I just said that. You must think I’m insane.”

Jesse stopped and turned to Sebastian, a steely expression settling on his face. “No. I would never think that about you, Sebastian. Don’t ever try to dismiss how you feel. If that’s what you feel then fine, that’s the way it is. There’s nothing that can change it.” Jesse strode off, pulling another cigarette from his pocket and lighting it.

Sebastian hurried after him. “I don’t understand though… How can what I feel be normal? Every shrink or doctor or counsellor I’ve ever met has told me that my mind is screwed. How do I know who’s right?”

“What feels right?” Jesse asked, smoke slipping out between his lips and drifting away. Sebastian hated that Jesse smoking actually seemed incredibly sexy. “Does it feel right to feel things that you know are true? Or does it feel right to believe whatever some idiot is telling you to try and get you to stop hurting yourself?”

“They’re trying to help me,” Sebastian murmured.

Jesse rounded on Sebastian again, looking deep into his eyes with a hard expression. “Not a single one of those motherfuckers is going to help you, Sebastian. Believe me. I’ve been through the system three times and nothing they are ever going to say is ever going to change how you feel.”

Sebastian backed away slightly. Jesse’s mood seemed to swing a lot and it was terrifying.

Jesse looked to the ground and shook his head. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Sorry. Mental health professionals piss me off. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” Jesse offered a smile. “Forgive me?”

“S-Sure,” Sebastian murmured before they kept walking. “Is there anything else you’d like to know?”

“Do you wanna go see a movie tomorrow night?”

Sebastian swallowed. “Like a – like a date?”

Jesse smiled. “Yeah, like a date.”

Sebastian returned the grin. “Sure. What time?”

“I’ll pick you up at around seven. We can catch the eight o’clock show.”

“Of what?”

“It’s a surprise,” Jesse said with a wink. “You’d better run for that bus though or you won’t be home in time for dinner.”

Sebastian looked around to find Jesse had led him back to the bus stop and he laughed. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See ya, ‘Bas.”

Sebastian blushed before he jumped onto the bus and the doors closed behind him. Collapsing into a seat, he let out a sigh. He had a date with Jesse Connors.

One step closer to a happily ever after.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song they sing in the car is "With You" by Jessica Simpson.

**CHAPTER 3:**

Sebastian couldn’t understand why his parents were worried. They had spent all their time worrying and fretting and praying for Sebastian to make some friends or to find someone to spend time with. Now that it had finally happened, it seemed as if they couldn’t think of anything more horrible to happen to their son. Their arguments had been “Isn’t he too old for you?” and “Maybe you should slow things down.” but Sebastian hadn’t listened.

He was sitting at the top of the stairs now, watching the front door for a sign of Jesse. Chelsea was in her room, her friend Eliza over as well, and they kept peeking through the slightly open door and giggling. Sebastian ignored them as best he could but he was beginning to lose patience when the doorbell rang.

Sebastian clambered to his feet and ran down the stairs. His father reached the door first, Annabelle standing off to the side with her arms folded across her chest. Marcus Smythe opened the door and Sebastian bit his lip.

“Good evening, Mr Smythe. I’m Jesse Connors,” Jesse said. Sebastian couldn’t see him but he hoped he looked presentable and that he didn’t smell too much of cigarette smoke.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jesse. Please call me Marcus.” Marcus stepped aside and let Jesse come in from the cold. “This is my wife, Annabelle.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Jesse,” Annabelle said with a smile but she didn’t move.

Jesse glanced up the stairs to Sebastian and winked before turning back to the Smythes. “I won’t keep him out too late tonight. We’re just going to see a movie.”

“What movie?” Marcus asked.

“It’s a surprise,” Jesse answered with a chuckle. “But I’ll make sure to have him back by eleven.”

“Alright, have fun you two. Don’t stay out in the cold too long,” Marcus said as he watched Sebastian come down the stairs. Sebastian could tell his father was nervous but he didn’t care. He was happy – that was all that mattered. Right?

As soon as the front door closed behind them, Jesse pulled out a cigarette and his car keys. His car was nice enough, kind of old but Sebastian couldn’t complain. It beat having to take the bus or walk.

“How’s your day been?” Jesse asked as he pulled away from the curb.

“Quiet, boring. Yours?”

“Same,” Jesse replied and flashed a smile. “You curious yet?”

“About what?”

“About the movie!” Jesse sing-songed, laughing. “Do my powers of secrecy really leave that much to be desired?”

Sebastian laughed at this. “Of course not.”

They faded into silence and Jesse turned up the radio, the station blaring some horrible pop song from the early two thousands.

Sebastian laughed again. “My sister loved this song. She played it non-stop for about three months after it came out.”

“Really?” Jesse asked with a sly smile. “Do you know the words?”

Sebastian blushed but he turned it up a little louder and started singing anyway. Jesse sang with him and when the song ended, they broke into a fit of giggles. Sebastian couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face and he couldn’t believe he had just sung a song with a potential boyfriend.

“God, I have never enjoyed that song so much in my life,” Jesse laughed. “You didn’t tell me you could sing!”

“I can’t,” Sebastian replied through his own laughter.

“Well then whatever you were just doing mustn’t have been singing because it was freaking amazing.”

Sebastian grinned at the compliment and they fell silent again as Jesse drove them through the streets. It was rainy but Sebastian didn’t mind. The bad weather was worth it if he got to spend time with Jesse.

Jesse found a car park around the side of the theatre and they headed in, Jesse whispering what movie to the ticket person. Jesse bought Sebastian popcorn and soda before they headed into the theatre. Sebastian thought it was strange to find so many children in the cinema but he and Jesse sat up the back, settled in the dead centre of the row.

“You’ve got me worried, now,” Sebastian joked as he glanced around.

“You’ll be fine,” Jesse whispered before he carefully laced their fingers together as the lights dimmed and the screen lit up.

.

.

.

Sebastian’s head was still reeling with questions and self-doubt and excitement when they left the movie theatre two hours later. He and Jesse were still holding hands, swinging them between each other as they walked.

“I can’t believe you took me to see the new Narnia movie,” Sebastian laughed, trying to break the silence.

Jesse shrugged slightly. “I thought you might enjoy something a little more light-hearted. It’s just a pity they let Ben Barnes grow a beard and drop the Spanish accent.”

When they reached the car, Jesse opened Sebastian’s door for him. When Sebastian lost contact with Jesse’s skin, he felt a pang move through his chest. It dissipated in an instant after they started driving again and Jesse reached across the centre console for his hand. It felt nice to hold someone’s hand and Sebastian was sure he couldn’t erase the blush from his cheeks.

When they pulled up outside Sebastian’s house he sighed, knowing that he would have to leave for good now.

“Don’t look so sad, ‘Bas,” Jesse murmured as he stroked a thumb across Sebastian’s knuckles. “We had a wonderful night.”

Sebastian looked back to Jesse with a sad smile. “I know, and I’m thankful for it, but it doesn’t change the fact that going inside means leaving you out here.”

Jesse smiled but leaned in closer, his breath soft against Sebastian’s cheek. “You’re far too sentimental,” he whispered before he kissed Sebastian.

The sound of his soft gasp was too loud in Sebastian’s ears, and so was the sound of their lips moving together when he kissed Jesse back. He reached up to hold onto Jesse’s shoulder as he closed his eyes, feeling something stir in his stomach as their noses bumped together.

Jesse soon broke the kiss, pulling away enough to look into Sebastian’s eyes as they fluttered open again.

“My first kiss,” Sebastian whispered.

“Was it okay?”

“It was wonderful,” Sebastian replied with a smile.

Jesse chuckled. “You’d better get inside. Your parents will worry if you stay out here too long.”

“I wish I could stay with you,” Sebastian whispered.

“You’ll see me soon enough, I promise.”

Sebastian smiled and leaned in for one last, quick kiss before climbing out of the car and heading inside. Things couldn’t be more wonderful.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Jesse sings is "Your Guardian Angel" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus (my universal Sebastian relationship song).

**CHAPTER 4:**

Walking through the front door, Sebastian still wasn’t sure he gravity still had an effect on him. Until Chelsea and Eliza crooned at him from the living room.

“Aww! Ickle wickle Sebby’s got a boyfriend!” Eliza squealed.

“Shut up, Eliza,” Sebastian murmured as he pulled off his scarf and gloves.

“But it’s _cute_! And he’s cute, too! Wish I could get me some of that,” Eliza paused to smirk at Chelsea. “But I’ll leave him to you of course. I’m sure the sex will be to _die_ for!”

Sebastian hung his coat up on its hook before glaring at the two girls. “Well then it’s a good thing he’s gay because with a voice like that, you’re never gonna have good sex in your life,” he spat before storming upstairs. He ignored Chelsea’s calls for him and her shouted apologies. He didn’t care. They didn’t have a right to talk about Jesse like that.

Locking his bedroom door, Sebastian let himself lean back against the wall and slip down to sit on the floor in the dark. He tried to breathe, trying to remember what his psychologist had told him but they all seemed like empty words now.

Sebastian reached up to the top drawer of the dresser beside him, pulling it open and reaching inside for his old glasses case. He held it against his chest, blinking the tears from his eyes as he let the sense of defeat wash over him. How could they ruin such a perfect night? Why did they have to make him feel so bad?

Sebastian opened the case and pulled his salvation out. He tugged his sweater off over his head, shivering as the cold air of his room swirled around him. He trailed his fingers along his arm, feeling the half-healed cuts, before he came to unblemished skin. None of his skin was truly clear, but there was space enough for him to distinguish between today and yesterday’s turmoil.

The blade bit down and the pain worked its magic, soothing Sebastian instantly. He let his eyes drift closed and his head fell back against the wall as he breathed. He didn’t need to look at what he was doing, the feeling was enough. If he kept his breathing steady, he almost felt like he was flying.

A tap at the window pulled him back down to earth.

Sebastian blinked dumbly before he got to his feet, nursing his arm against his stomach as he flicked on the light. Outside his window, his could see Jesse’s worried face. Stumbling, Sebastian went to open the window, giggling softly when he realised Jesse was standing in the tree outside.

“Sebastian? What happened?” Jesse clambered through the window, shutting it behind him.

“Eliza’s a bitch,” Sebastian murmured as Jesse pushed him back towards his bed. He sat down, his head wavering slightly before he looked back down at his arm. There were far more cuts than he remembered making and he felt something unpleasant stir in his gut.

“Woah, okay, just relax ‘Bas. Everything’s going to be fine,” Jesse said quickly. “Where have you got bandages?”

“Don’t have any,” Sebastian whispered, his eyes drifting closed again. “Sleepy…”

“No no no no, stay awake. What about in the bathroom? Where do I go, Sebastian?”

“Out the door. Second on the right.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back. Don’t move a muscle,” Jesse murmured before he disappeared from Sebastian’s side.

Sebastian had always liked this feeling, like he wasn’t all there. Endorphin rushes made him happy. He couldn’t care less about Eliza and her stupid words or Chelsea’s inaction. But when Jesse rushed back into his room, Sebastian sensed there was something wrong.

Jesse knelt down in front of him, two rolled-up bandages in his hand as he looked up at Sebastian. “‘Bas, I need your arm, okay?”

“Why?” Sebastian whined.

“We can’t have you bleeding everywhere, babe. What will your parents think?” Jesse said, trying to sound light-hearted.

“Mmm,” Sebastian nodded and let Jesse take his arm. He was gentle, taking his hand and carefully holding Sebastian steady as he inspected the wounds.

“You did this in the dark, didn’t you?” Jesse asked as he surveyed the crisscrossing array of cuts.

“Don’t need to see it,” Sebastian whispered as his eyes closed again.

“Stay awake, baby,” Jesse murmured as he took up one of the bandages and began winding it around Sebastian’s arm. “At least you’re cutting across the street and not down the road. Do you want me to sing to you?”

Sebastian nodded stiffly, grimacing in pain as pressured was applied to the wounds. Jesse was quiet as he sang; the words simple and melodic. Jesse leaned down and kissed the top of the bandage where he had fastened it with a small clip. He curled his hand around Sebastian’s again.

“Do you wanna lie down, ‘Bas?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian murmured. Jesse helped him lie down and he felt his shoes being pulled off before a blanket was draped over him.

“Warm enough?”

“Hold me,” Sebastian whispered.

Jesse lay down beside Sebastian, curling an arm around his waist and pulling him close.

“What did you mean with that across the street stuff?”

“It’s a saying or something; I found it on the internet a while ago. In theory, people like us cut across the street – across your wrist or arm – if you want to be saved and down the road if you wanna die.”

Sebastian tensed at the thought and Jesse’s arm tightened around him. He pressed a kiss to the back of Sebastian’s neck.

“Everything will be okay, I’ll stay with you tonight,” Jesse murmured. “Get some sleep.”

Sebastian smiled, shuffling back to snuggle against Jesse. “Thank you.”

It felt nice to have someone who cared.


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5:**

The next morning, Sebastian woke feeling oddly alone. He rolled onto his back and felt dismayed to find that he was by himself. He carefully sat up and looked around his room but Jesse was gone. On the pillow next to him was a folded piece of paper, his name scribbled across the front. Sebastian reached over and unfolded the page to find a letter from Jesse.

_._

_Dear Sebastian,_

_I’m sorry I left without an explanation but I forgot what day it is. I did hate to leave you, you were so peaceful sleeping._

_Make sure to take proper care of your arm. You need to wash off the dry blood and disinfect the cuts. Can’t have you getting sick. Wrap them up again if they’re still bleeding. If not, just leave them. They need the air to heal or they’ll get itchy._

_Again, I’m sorry that I left you. Whatever happened last night must have really shaken you up. But I’ll be back as soon as I can get away._

_Stay safe, I’ve put my cell number at the bottom of this in case you need me._

_Love you. Jesse xoxo_

.

Sebastian smiled before he folded the letter again and carefully stowed it away in the drawer of his nightstand. He got changed and hid away his glasses case of blades before he sat down at his desk and pulled out his homework. If he did everything he had been putting off for the last week, maybe his parents would let him go out with Jesse again when he came back.

But Jesse didn’t come back and Sebastian felt himself slip away again.

.

.

.

Sebastian didn’t see Jesse for a week after the night they spent together. He worried that he had done something wrong. Things were starting to get bad again when one night, Jesse appeared on his door step.

Marcus had answered the door and was surprised to find Jesse waiting outside.

“Jesse! What a surprise. Would you like to come in?”

“Yes please,” Jesse said as he stepped over the threshold, shivering. He flashed a smile at Sebastian who was sitting on the couch in the living room. “Hey ‘Bas.”

“What can we do you for, Jesse?” Marcus asked, glancing between Jesse and Sebastian warily.

“I was actually wondering if I could borrow your son for the evening,” Jesse answered. Sebastian straightened up at this, intrigued by the boy’s proposal. “My parents invited him over for Sunday dinner. Would that be alright?”

“I don’t see why not,” Marcus said. “Let me just check with Annabelle.”

Sebastian watched his father disappear into the kitchen before he looked to Jesse with wide eyes.

“Where have you been?”

Jesse rushed forward and took Sebastian’s hands in his. “I’m so sorry, ‘Bas. I was gonna come back that afternoon but then my parents freaked out, got angry because I hadn’t come home that night. I tried to explain but they wouldn’t listen and they grounded me.”

“You could’ve let me know…”

“They took my phone and my keys. I wanted to sneak out but my dad can be pretty controlling and my younger brother is a surprisingly good spy. I wanted to come and find you.”

Sebastian nodded before Marcus and Annabelle joined them again.

“You’re free to go, Sebastian. But remember, back by ten, it’s a school night,” Marcus said as he tucked an arm around his wife.

“Thank you,” Sebastian said before he leapt to his feet and he and Jesse left.

The car was warm and Jesse was feeling inquisitive again.

“So what did you do at school this week?”

“Tried to pay in attention in class – failed. Ditched every lacrosse practice. Had spit balls blown at me. Got punched in the back. It was totally awesome,” Sebastian’s voice was thick with sarcasm as he rolled his eyes and peered out the window at the buildings rushing past.

“What the hell? Doesn’t anyone notice? Doesn’t anyone care?”

“Of course the notice. But why would they care? I’m just the gay kid, my life’s just gonna be horrible forever because I’m unnatural,” Sebastian shook his head and looked back to Jesse. “How do you deal with it?”

“By not giving a shit really,” Jesse answered only to have Sebastian sigh. “I know it’s not for everyone. But if you try to stand up to them, show them that it’s not okay, they’ll get bored and stop.”

“I tried that once,” Sebastian said brightly with a fake smile. “They tried to break my arm. Would have too if the assistant principal hadn’t walked past.”

“Oh ‘Bas.”

Sebastian shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. They’ll grow up eventually.”

“I know, I just don’t want you to get hurt irreparably before that happens,” Jesse murmured as he pulled into a driveway. The house they had stopped outside was two storeys with a huge front porch. Sebastian climbed out of the car, shivering in the icy night air before he followed Jesse up to the front door.

“Just before we go inside and you freak out, my parents are-”

The front door opened and a man and a woman appeared with broad smiles.

“So this is Sebastian,” the woman said. Her blue eyes were a spitting image of Jesse’s and Sebastian felt himself grow nervous. “Welcome dear, I’m Ursula and this is my husband Jonathan.”

“Hi, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise,” Jonathan said as he nodded and stepped aside, watching as the boys came inside. “Dinner’s almost ready. Brandon’s just dishing it up.”

Sebastian followed Jesse’s parents into the dining room. The room was immaculate. A fire was roaring in the hearth at one end of the room and the dining table was made of dark wood that screamed ‘expensive’. And Sebastian’s house wasn’t exactly a dump. But the thing he was finding most unnerving was the statue of Jesus Christ on the mantelpiece.

“Take a seat, Sebastian. Can we offer you something to drink?”

“Uh, water would be fine, thank you,” Sebastian answered as he and Jesse sat down. Jonathan sat at the head of the table while Ursula disappeared into what Sebastian guessed was the kitchen.

“Jesse tells me you play lacrosse,” Jonathan said.

“Yeah, yes, I do,” Sebastian answered, swallowing harshly. Small talk was not his strong point.

“You don’t seem too excited about that fact,” Jonathan noted, sparing a glance to his son.

Sebastian shrugged. “I’m not as passionate about it as I used to be. I have a lot of problems with other students. I don’t exactly fit in.”

“That’s a shame. I suppose that makes it difficult to be a part of the team.”

“It does,” Sebastian answered with a subtle nod as he averted his eyes back down to the table.

The awkward silence was soon broken when Ursula and a younger boy who seemed a little younger than Sebastian came through the door with plates full of food.

“I hope you’re hungry, Sebastian. We went a little crazy with the cooking this afternoon,” Ursula laughed as she set down plates in front of Sebastian and Jesse. “Nothing like a well-delivered sermon to get you inspired for the rest of the day.”

Sebastian nodded slowly, not really sure how to respond. Ursula and Jesse’s brother, Brandon, sat down and bowed their heads in prayer. Sebastian copied them, hoping he wouldn’t have to actually say anything.

Jonathan uttered a prayer and they responded with an echoic “amen” before they settled down to eat. Ursula and Brandon had cooked roast beef and vegetables, all of it smothered in gravy. It was delicious but the signs of their religion were so conspicuous to Sebastian that he felt he was betraying them by infecting their home with his sin.

Dessert followed, a simple apple cobbler with cream, before Jonathan left for his bible study group and Ursula and Brandon went to clean up.

Jesse and Sebastian stayed in the dining room, sitting in silence until Jesse spoke.

“I’m sorry about that. I was going to explain everything in the car but you needed to talk about your week. And then we were on the porch and I was going to tell you but then my parents and their terrible timing-”

“Don’t worry about it, Jesse. It’s done now,” Sebastian murmured as he got to his feet.

“Do you wanna see my room?” Jesse asked quietly.

Sebastian cracked a smile and nodded. He couldn’t stay angry at Jesse.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:  
> The piano-starting song: Watch Me Bleed – Scary Kids Scaring Kids  
> Jesse randomly singing during sex: Adam’s Song – Blink 182

**CHAPTER 6:**

Jesse’s bedroom was in the basement and it was extremely different from what Sebastian had seen of the rest of the house. Every wall was covered in posters from bands and movies and the ceiling was painted black. Jesse had a collection of lava lamps in one corner of the room and clothes were falling out of the closet on the opposite wall. The bed was large and Sebastian couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever get to sleep in it.

“So, welcome to the bat cave,” Jesse joked as he strode into the middle of the room. “What do you think?”

“It’s … different.”

Jesse laughed softly. “Yeah, it is. Just like me,” he sighed as he moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

Sebastian quietly approached Jesse’s bookshelves that took up most of the shorter wall. He trailed his fingers along the spines, taking in the titles and authors and committing them to memory.

“Have you read all of these?”

“Almost. I tend to buy books and then never read them so Mom banned me from buying anymore until I read the ones I had,” Jesse laughed. Sebastian heard the scraping of a drawer being opened but he didn’t turn around.

“There’s some pretty sad stuff up here. I cried for three days after finishing _Looking for Alaska_.”

“Yeah. Green’s a genius but god he knows how to hurt you.”

“But Pudge and Alaska. They were so lucky to find someone who understood. I mean, that’s all we’re looking for really, isn’t it? Someone who under- what the fuck are you doing?”

Sebastian had turned around to find Jesse shirtless with a blade in hand, thin red lines of blood blooming on the inside of his wrist. Sebastian moved closer, peering down at the maze of scars and marks and cuts before he pulled up his own sleeve and held his arm beside Jesse’s.

“We match,” he murmured.

“Do you understand me, Sebastian?” Jesse asked. He reached out to grip Sebastian’s wrist.

“I-I think so,” Sebastian answered before gasping as Jesse reached out with the blade and cut a deep line across the inside of his arm. “Fuck.”

“I want you to love me, Sebastian,” Jesse whispered as he cut another line in his own arm. “I love you so much.”

Sebastian glanced between his arm and Jesse’s cloudy blue eyes. He bit his lip before he leaned up from where he knelt on the floor and kissed Jesse. The boy wrapped his arms around him and pulled him up onto the bed as he lay down, Sebastian lying over Jesse. Their lips moved together and Jesse’s tongue darted out to taste Sebastian’s mouth. Hands slipped beneath clothes and hips ground together but Sebastian didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he wanted to happen.

Jesse rolled them over before he pulled away, looking down at Sebastian with a proud smile. “You’re kind of beautiful.”

“So are you,” Sebastian whispered.

Jesse leaned down again, hands either side of Sebastian’s head as he hovered over him. “Do you want this?”

“I think so…”

“My family won’t hear us. The sound all gets trapped in the stairway. But I can play some music if you want.”

“M-Music might be good,” Sebastian murmured as Jesse climbed off him. Sebastian sat up, watching Jesse as he laid his hand over the cut in his arm. Why had Jesse just cut him like that? He didn’t understand.

Jesse’s speakers started playing a slow song that started with only piano. He came back to the bed and carefully pulled off Sebastian’s shirt and sweater. The younger boy shivered slightly and wrapped his arms around himself shyly. Jesse chuckled softly before he kissed him deeply and pushed him back onto the mattress.

Sebastian was soon thoroughly convinced that Jesse’s hands were magic. He had never felt so good in his entire life. It felt like they fitted together perfectly and Sebastian wanted nothing more than to be closer to him. Jesse had taken up the razor again and cut Sebastian a few times but it didn’t detract from the feeling that he could only describe as _sex_.

Jesse had yanked off their jeans and put on a condom but had stopped to watch Sebastian, smiling softly.

“What?” Sebastian panted, desperate with anticipation.

“You are beautiful, ‘Bas,” Jesse murmured.

Sebastian blushed slightly but he soon forgot to be embarrassed as Jesse continued working his magic. It hurt, but Jesse cut him and it somehow got better. They started to move and Sebastian knew this had been the right decision. He dug his fingernails into Jesse’s shoulder, holding onto him tightly as Jesse sang to him between gasping breaths.

Sebastian’s orgasm came more quickly than he was willing to accept but Jesse soon collapsed over him and pressed kisses to his face.

“You’re perfect Sebastian,” Jesse muttered over and over again. He trailed a hand up and down Sebastian’s side, giggling as he shuddered. They curled together, holding their cut-up arms next to each other and watching as the blood dried.

It felt like an age had passed before moved. Sebastian turned onto his side and watched as Jesse discarded the condom before pulling on his jeans again.

“I’d better get you back to your parents,” Jesse murmured.

“Are we boyfriends?” Sebastian asked cautiously.

Jesse looked over his shoulder and the corner of his mouth quirked up in a half smile. “No, we’re lovers.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded before he got dressed.

The drive home was quiet, the boys holding hands again. Sebastian couldn’t wipe the goofy smile off of his face as he thought about what he had just done. He couldn’t fully believe it in all honesty. He had just lost his virginity and it felt like the most normal thing in the world. It _was_ the most normal thing in the world.

Pulling up outside his house, Sebastian’s gaze fell to where Jesse was still hanging onto his hand.

“Everything’s going to be okay, ‘Bas. I promise,” Jesse murmured.

“I know it is,” Sebastian replied with a smile.

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” Sebastian said. Jesse leaned over to him, kissing him softly before he chuckled softly. “What?”

“You smell like sex.”

Sebastian laughed softly. “I’ll see you later, Jesse.”

“I love you.”

Sebastian climbed out of the car, waving slightly to Jesse before he slowly made his way up to the front door. He felt like he had woken up to a brand new world where Jesse was the sun and the cuts in his arm were the dazzling moon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Description of physical abuse, attempted non-con, reference to self-harm, talk of depression.
> 
> These are super important these chapter as it gets quite graphic. I'm happy to give a less/non-triggery recap of this chapter for people who'd like one. Just send me a message over on tumblr at cre8iveovadose(.)tumblr(.)com/ask

**CHAPTER 7:**

Months passed and Sebastian and Jesse spent more and more time together. If they didn’t have school, Sebastian knew they would never leave each other’s sides. He dreaded the end of the oncoming summer when Jesse would move away for college. But the time they _were_ spending couldn’t be spent any more perfectly.

Jesse wrote him letters during the day and hand delivered them each afternoon. Usually they were nonsense but some of them were heartfelt and made Sebastian want to cry. No matter what the letters said however, they always ended up in someone’s room making out.

Sebastian found himself a ring and started wearing it. When Jesse had asked what it was, Sebastian had simply said that it was to show how serious he was about their relationship. Jesse had laughed and kissed him, telling him that they didn’t need a ring to prove how much they loved each other.

But Jesse had also started opening up about his own issues and if Sebastian was honest with himself, Jesse’s thoughts scared him. He was constantly relapsing but he refused to get help and would only get angry at Sebastian for trying to help him himself. He’d hit Sebastian once or twice but Sebastian knew it wasn’t Jesse who did that, it was just the depression. Jesse would never hurt him.

And Sebastian couldn’t complain too much about Jesse’s habits. After all, Jesse had been helping him to find more effective ways to cut than the blades from disposable razors and scissors. X-acto knife blades and box cutters filled his case now and Sebastian was hooked on the way they made him bleed so much.

Their relationship consisted mostly of sex and cutting themselves and each other. Sebastian knew his parents were worried but Jesse made him better. They had to believe that.

They were walking through the park one day, out on a date to celebrate their five month anniversary, when Jesse stopped abruptly and turned to Sebastian.

“‘Bas, I know we’ve had a rough time. I can be a real asshole sometimes and I don’t listen to advice and I won’t accept help…” He took Sebastian’s hands in his and stared deep into his green eyes. “But I love you, and I want you to know that.”

“I do know that,” Sebastian laughed softly. “And I love you too.”

“I want you to trust me, I _need_ you to. So that’s why I wanted to ask,” Jesse slipped down to one knee, smiling broadly up at Sebastian. “Sebastian Andrew Smythe, will you go to my senior prom with me?”

Sebastian stood dumbfounded, caught somewhere between shock and excitement. He sunk to his knees and wrapped his arms around Jesse.

“Of course I will! Yes! Yes, I’ll go with you to your prom!”

Jesse’s bright laughter filled the spring air around them and Sebastian swore that things were perfect.

.

.

Sebastian was pacing back and forth around the front hall, Marcus and Annabelle watching worriedly from the living room.

“Come and sit down, Sebastian. Everything’s going to be alright. He’ll be here, he wouldn’t be late,” Annabelle tried to reassure him.

Sebastian sat down in one of the armchairs but he was fidgety and on edge. “I don’t even know why I’m nervous. Why should I be nervous? It’s not like I met him yesterday. And even if I had he wouldn’t leave me waiting like this. Not for _prom_.”

“Sebastian, just try to breathe. Everything’s going to be fine,” Marcus said as he leaned forward slightly. “There is something that I wanted to talk to you about though, we both did.”

Sebastian glanced between his parents. “Okay.”

Annabelle moved forward to sit on the very edge of the couch. Chelsea was watching TV but she turned it off and turned to watch, making Sebastian feel like he was about to be interrogated.

“Sebastian, your relationship with Jesse has … _progressed_ a lot faster than we had thought it would and we’ve been worried,” Annabelle started.

“We know you’re a smart kid and that you’ll take care of yourself,” Marcus said. “But we just wanted to remind you that it’s okay to tell Jesse you’re not ready for something.”

Sebastian scoffed. “Are you seriously talking to me about consensual sex?”

Annabelle and Marcus blushed and blinked but Chelsea sat up and looked to her brother seriously.

“Sebastian, we’re worried. Jesse is – there’s just something about him. I’ve asked around at school about him and people don’t like him much. They’ve met him at parties and stuff and apparently he’s a little-”

“What? Different? Chelsea, we’re _all_ different,” Sebastian got to his feet and looked to his parents. “I can’t believe my own family is trying to keep me away from the one friend I actually have. And Jesse loves me, he does. Can’t you at least respect that?”

Marcus moved to respond but the doorbell rang. Sebastian turned with a sigh and answered the door, smiling at Jesse as he stepped inside.

“You look _very_ handsome in a tux, ‘Bas,” Jesse said with a smile before he turned to the Smythes. “Hi Mr and Mrs Smythe, how are you this evening?”

“We’re fine thank you, Jesse,” Annabelle answered as she folded her arms across her chest. “You two have fun tonight, alright?”

“We will, mom,” Sebastian said with a grin before he and Jesse darted back outside.

The drive to Jesse’s high school was quick and soon, Sebastian found himself surrounded by strangers who seemed to regard Jesse with fear and loathing.

“Don’t worry about them,” Jesse murmured as he pulled Sebastian onto the dance floor. “We’re here to have fun, with or without them.”

And they did have fun. Sebastian danced with Jesse for what felt like hours, stopping briefly to breathe after the hilarity of the _Time Warp_. They were standing off to the side sipping at punch when Jesse tugged on Sebastian’s hand.

“Come on, let’s get outta here,” Jesse whispered before he pulled Sebastian out of the gym.

Jesse led him to a classroom that was decorated with hanging models of the solar system and star maps on the walls. He pushed Sebastian back to sit on one of the tables before he kissed him and began pushing off his jacket and unbuttoning his shirt.

“J-Jess, what are you doing?” Sebastian asked, trying to laugh and break the tension.

“I want you,” Jesse murmured against Sebastian’s mouth. “I want you so bad.”

Sebastian managed to grip Jesse’s shoulders and push him away. “Jesse, no, we don’t wanna do this here.”

Jesse turned a dark gaze on him and a fist collided with Sebastian’s stomach. He clutched his stomach as he coughed, not seeing when Jesse pulled out a silver knife. Sebastian gasped when Jesse shoved him down onto the table and tore off his shirt before leaning over him. Sebastian had never seen Jesse like this before.

“This doesn’t have to be hard, ‘Bas, you know that,” Jesse hissed before he straightened. He reached down and grabbed Sebastian’s arm, raising it over his head and pinning it to the table. Sebastian whimpered as he felt Jesse press the point of the knife against the inside of his wrist.

“Jesse, please, stop! You’re scaring me!”

Jesse ignored him, instead leaning down and kissing Sebastian forcefully. Sebastian tried to fight back but Jesse had the upper hand. When the kiss broke, Sebastian tried to scream only to have Jesse clamp his hand over his mouth.

“That was a mistake,” Jesse murmured.

Sebastian screamed into Jesse’s hand and his vision flickered as the blade bit down into his wrist and was dragged down the length of his arm. Tears slipped down his cheeks and his breath hitched as Jesse cut him. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to make this stop. How did he make Jesse stop?

With a loud clatter, something fell to the floor and Jesse stopped cutting Sebastian. Looking up through his tears, Sebastian found Jesse kneeling over him with a look of horror.

“S-Sebastian? What happened? Oh god, we have to stop the bleeding!”

Sebastian watched in confusion, starting to feel dizzy as Jesse clambered off him and helped him to sit up.

“Talk to me, ‘Bas. Tell me what happened, I’ll try to make it better,” Jesse murmured. “We need to stop the bleeding. We need to wrap it in something.”

“You cut me… Why would you do that?” Sebastian was slurring his words and his head felt heavy. His gaze fell to the gory mess that was now his arm. He knew he should be doing something. He couldn’t figure it out. Thinking was so hard…

Jesse had pulled out his lighter. “I-I can cauterise it. That’s what I’ll do. I read it in a book once!”

Sebastian wanted to protest but his tongue was lazy. He had to breathe. He could do this. He wasn’t going to die in a school.

Jesse held his lighter to the wounds in Sebastian’s arm, the flame licking at flesh but it only made Sebastian scream and cry. Slamming doors and running footsteps echoed down the corridor. Sebastian heard Jesse swear before he lost contact with him. Sebastian felt himself sway. He called out for Jesse but the sound was too much. His head swam. He reached out to try and grab hold of Jesse but Sebastian overbalanced and fell to the ground. He could feel the tears streaming down his face and his arm throbbed and burned and stung but all he wanted was Jesse. Jesse was relief enough.

Loud footsteps echoed and a light flicked on overhead. A girl screamed and people gasped. Sebastian felt his gut churning before he vomited across the linoleum floor. People were leaning over him, talking and touching. He was shaking and shivering and wanted to throw up again. Fingers wrapped around his arm to try and turn him over but Sebastian only screamed.

Red hot burn turned to blinding white agony and he felt himself slip away as he cried once more for Jesse.


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8:**

Annabelle and Chelsea were curled up on a couch outside the emergency room while Marcus paced back and forth. They had gotten a call from the hospital four hours ago saying Sebastian had been brought in with severe lacerations and burns. Once they arrived they couldn’t find anyone willing to stop for two minutes and explain what was going on and what had happened to Sebastian.

“Marcus, maybe you should call your brother,” Annabelle murmured as she watched her husband pacing back and forth.

“David won’t be able to do anything. He’s just a paediatrician,” Marcus replied as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Well, Sebastian’s only sixteen. And he _is_ a professor. He might be able to find out information for us.”

“Please Dad, I’m worried about Seb,” Chelsea murmured from where she sat tucked against her mother.

Marcus sighed as he pulled out his phone and dialled his brother’s phone number. “I’ll call him,” he murmured before he headed outside to the ambulance bay.

Ringing…

Ringing…

Ringing…

“Marcus? It’s two in the morning…”

“Sorry David, but I need your help.”

“What’s wrong?” It still shocked Marcus how quickly his brother could become alert. He knew it was part of his job but it didn’t make it any less amazing to someone who had to set three alarms to make sure they’d get to work on time.

“Sebastian’s in the hospital. He was at a dance with his boyfriend and I think he’s hurt himself. I don’t know. They won’t tell us anything. The boyfriend isn’t here. We haven’t heard from him. Sebastian wasn’t conscious and I just-”

“Woah Marcus, slow down. I’m up in the on-call room. You’re in emergency, right?”

“Yeah, Annabelle and Chelsea are here too.”

“Okay. I’ll be down in five minutes. We’ll find out what’s going on.”

“Thanks David,” Marcus murmured before he hung up and headed back inside.

“Did you talk to Uncle Dave?” Chelsea asked.

“He’s on-call but he’s coming down now and he’ll see what he can do.”

Annabelle and Chelsea nodded as Marcus sat down across from them. When David Smythe came through the double doors at the other end of the waiting room, Marcus got to his feet.

“Hey, how are you guys going?” David asked as he smiled at his family.

“We’re okay,” Marcus said. “C-Can you find out about Sebastian though?”

David nodded and gestured for Marcus to follow him. “I’ll check the computer first, they might have put some information on there,” he said as he slipped behind the desk. The nurse glanced between them but went back to sorting through files.

Marcus tapped his fingers against the desk while David searched through the computer. David’s face slowly fell as his eyes scanned the pages.

“What is it, David?”

“It’s just the report on what he had when he was brought in. One deep vertical laceration and several smaller horizontal ones in his wrist and arm. Burns along the edges of the vertical laceration. He was in shock when they found him,” David looked up at his brother. “Would he have done that to himself?”

“H-He’s been having problems but – fuck, I didn’t think it was that bad. How would he even do that?”

“It’ll be fine, okay? I’ll go and see what I can find out. If that report is accurate, they’re probably still treating him and that’ll be why no one’s come to talk to you yet. I’ll make sure he’s alright, okay?”

“Okay,” Marcus answered as he tried to take some deep breaths.

“Is there anything you want me to tell him if he’s awake?”

“Just uh, just tell him that we love him, and that we’ll see him soon.”

David nodded, clapping his brother on the back before he disappeared back through the double doors. Marcus returned to his family’s side and repeated what David had told him.

“Oh my god,” Annabelle whispered before she burst into tears.

“Sebastian wouldn’t do that to himself! He wouldn’t! It was Jesse!” Chelsea shouted, getting up from where she sat.

Marcus frowned at his daughter. “Chelsea, don’t say that. We don’t even know where Jesse was. Just wait until-”

“Dad, Jesse’s _crazy_! Eliza’s cousin goes to school with him! I tried to tell you and you didn’t believe me and now Sebastian’s in the freaking hospital because of that sick bastard!”

“Chelsea, calm down. We can’t make that accusation without proof. We need to focus on Sebastian right now,” Marcus murmured before he watched as his daughter crumbled and fell to the floor as she cried. Marcus moved to sit beside her, holding her as she muttered about how much she hated Jesse. And if Marcus was honest, he agreed with her.

“Marcus,” Annabelle murmured after a long while. He turned around and his wife gestured to where his brother stood with another doctor at his side. Marcus and Chelsea got to their feet, looking between the two men.

“Mr and Mrs Smythe, I’m Doctor Sterling, I’ve been helping treat Sebastian tonight. Would you like to sit down?”

The Smythes sat down, the doctors sitting across from them and Marcus grasped Annabelle’s hands tightly while Chelsea watched on with wide eyes.

“Sebastian is doing extremely well,” Doctor Sterling started. “He’s been sedated. The pain from the burns won’t be very pleasant and we can’t risk him going into shock again. We stitched up his arm alright but we need to keep a close eye on them for the next few days.”

“Do you know if he did this himself?” Annabelle asked, wiping at her nose with a tissue.

“I doubt that Sebastian would have done this to himself,” David answered. “I saw the wounds as they were wrapping them up and the burns were third degree. Unless he already had painkillers or some kind of drug in his system, his instincts would stop him burning himself before it got that bad.”

“But he didn’t, did he?” Marcus asked as he looked back to Doctor Sterling. “He didn’t have any drugs in his system?”

“No,” he answered. “But he will be on a lot of antibiotics for a week or so to make sure that there’s no infection. And we’ve put him on some strong painkillers through a PCA pump so when he wakes up he can administer them as he needs them.”

“But he’s alive, and he’s going to be okay?” Chelsea asked.

“I think he’s going to need a lot of help when he wakes up but we’ll make sure he gets the best help he can,” David said with a small smile.

“The police will also need to talk to whoever was with Sebastian tonight and if you want, you are able to file assault charges,” Doctor Sterling added. “Provided they find whoever did this.”

Marcus nodded before the automatic doors opened and with a gust of cold wind, Jesse stepped inside holding Sebastian’s shirt and jacket. Marcus, David and Doctor Sterling got to their feet as Jesse approached them, looking solemn.

“I brought ‘Bas’s shirt and jacket. I didn’t know if he needed them,” Jesse murmured.

“What the fuck did you do to my son?” Marcus’s hand clenched into a fist.

Jesse seemed speechless as he looked between the three men. “I-I don’t understand.”

“You were supposed to look after him! What the fuck did you do?” Marcus yelled. He raised his fist, going to punch Jesse when David grabbed his arm.

“Stop. Don’t do this – Marcus.”

Marcus looked to his brother helplessly before he looked back to Jesse, watching as the boy backed away again.

“I’m so sorry,” Jesse whispered.

Marcus knew he couldn’t accept that apology. He had seen the flecks of blood on Jesse’s shirt. That boy had almost killed his son. There was no going back now.


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9:**

Sebastian hadn’t said much since he woke up in the hospital. They had tried getting him to talk to counsellors but he didn’t know what to say. How could he talk about what had happened when he didn’t know how to feel about it?

A week after the dance, Sebastian was discharged and sent home. Marcus didn’t know what to say to his son but he knew he had to help him and that he had to keep him away from Jesse. At home, Annabelle and Chelsea had cooked macaroni and cheese for him but Sebastian went straight up to his room. He locked the door behind him, longing for some solitude before he eyed an envelope on his bed.

Picking it up with a shaking hand, Sebastian recognised Jesse’s handwriting immediately. He tore open the envelope, unfolding the letter and chewing on his lip as he began to read.

_._

_To my dear, beautiful Sebastian,_

_I’m writing to apologise to you for what I did last night. I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear, but I know that I don’t deserve you. Not after what I did to you._

_I wish that I could explain what happened but I just don’t know and I can’t risk it happening again. I swore that I would never hurt you but I suppose I didn’t swear hard enough. But you’ll be better off without me._

_You were so special to me, Sebastian, and I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. But remember me, remember me as the boy you met in the record store. Remember me as the first person you poured your heart out to. Remember me as the boy who loved you from first sight. Remember me for loving you irrevocably._

_And please, don’t try to come and find me. I’m not worth it._

_I love you._

_You were the best thing that ever happened to me._

_I’m sorry I messed this all up._

_I love you._

_Your Jesse._

_._

Sebastian dropped the letter, raced downstairs and grabbed the phone from its table in the front hall. Annabelle and Marcus appeared from the living room, Chelsea from the kitchen, and watched Sebastian.

“What’s going on, buddy?” Marcus asked. He stepped forward but he couldn’t touch Sebastian.

“Jesse left a letter in my room. I need to make sure he’s okay,” Sebastian answered as he dialled Jesse’s cell phone number.

“Sweetie, are you sure it’s a good idea to see him after what happened last week?” Annabelle asked.

“I have to make sure he’s okay. I’m not gonna let him kill himself out of guilt.”

The Smythes fell silent and Sebastian waited impatiently for Jesse to answer. There had been no date on the letter. He could already be too late.

Ringing…

Ringing…

Ringing…

“H-Hello?”

“… Mr Connors?”

“Oh, Sebastian… Oh dear, I hadn’t expected a call from you. A-Are you alright?”

“I-I’m fine. Mr Connors, where’s Jesse? Please, I need to speak to him.”

“I swore someone had told you.”

“Told me? Told me what?” Sebastian felt the panic rising within him and someone touched his elbow but he shoved them away. “What happened? Where’s Jesse?”

“He didn’t say what had happened when he came back from the dance. We thought you two had had a fight.” Mr Connors took a shuddering breath. “Ursula went down to his room the next morning to wake him for breakfast. His room was a mess. He was – he had… He had cut himself so badly. The doctors said he had taken an overdose as well. He stopped breathing.”

“Oh god,” Sebastian whispered, leaning back against the wall and slipping down to sit on the floor. Jesse had been gone a week and he hadn’t known.

“D-Don’t feel like it’s your fault, Sebastian. Jesse’s been troubled for such a long time. We tried to help him… Just remember that he loved you, that he always loved you.”

“I um, I will,” Sebastian answered as he tried to breathe. “Could you um. Could you just not answer his phone for a while?”

“Uh, sure, yes I can do that. I’ll put it on silent.”

“Thank you,” Sebastian whispered. “I um, I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you, Sebastian. Take care of yourself.”

“I will. Goodbye Mr Connors.”

The line went dead and Sebastian ended the call before keying in Jesse’s number again, leaning his head back as it rang out.

“Sebastian, what can we do?” Annabelle whispered. Sebastian just shook his head and held a hand over his eyes. He heard his parents mutter something to Chelsea before two of them headed upstairs.

In his ear, the scratchy recording of Jesse’s phantom voice echoed over and over.

_“Hi ‘Bas, leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon. I love you.”_

_“Hi ‘Bas, leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon. I love you.”_

_“Hi ‘Bas, leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon. I love you.”_

_“Hi ‘Bas, leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon. I love you.”_

_“Hi ‘Bas, leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon. I love you.”_

Sebastian cried and he felt someone pull him against their side before he breathed in his sister’s perfume. With his bad arm, he wrapped it around Chelsea’s middle and rested his head on her shoulder.

It was over. Jesse was gone. And so was Sebastian.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a one-shot called "The First Time". Because I've included it here, I won't post it on it's own again when I upload the rest of the verse. You can find the original version on my FF.net account.

**CHAPTER 10:**

Sebastian moved through the days as if they were lessons in humility, penance for the things he had done with Jesse and the things he had allowed Jesse to do to him. There were no more hand delivered letters or silly drawings or walks in the park. No more cuts in his arm from the silver knife or bruises from punches or being held too tight. Sebastian would have welcomed any of it if it meant Jesse was still alive. He knew hoping was futile but it was the only thing he had left. Jesse had been the only thing he had left.

The wounds in his arm from the night of the dance were still healing but Sebastian had started on his other arm. The cuts were deep and ragged and clumsy but nothing felt the same. Nothing was getting through the fog that clouded his mind. He had returned to school only to wander the halls like a ghost. The other students in his year had all found out about what had happened and they regarded him like a bomb, as if a word or glance would set him off. Sebastian tried to ignore them but it was hard.

He sat in the back of his classes, looking at the teacher but never paying attention. His notebooks stayed empty except for the occasional message to Jesse. _I wish you were here_.

The school counsellor had tried talking to Sebastian but he still had nothing to say about Jesse. He wanted to remember him the way he was – not as “the gay kid who killed himself”. Sebastian still wasn’t willing to accept that Jesse had tried to kill him either. He had given noncommittal or monosyllabic answers, waiting for the counsellor to finally give up before he retreated to the bathrooms. He locked himself in a stall and cut himself with a pair of scissors. It was almost useless but it somehow got him through the day.

Sebastian’s thoughts were growing darker, he knew they were. Suicide was an option now; Jesse had made it an option. He fantasised about it during class, only snapping out of it when he thought of how much better off he could be. It made Sebastian feel sick to think he was capable of believing that. But he was capable of believing a lot of things and when he took a look around at his classmates, he felt it was true. The only thing stopping him was knowing that if he died, they would be the ones to all the attention. It affected _them_ so much, it changed everyone’s perception of the world. “We miss him so much, he was such a wonderful person, I wish we’d seen he was hurting so much and done something to help him.”

 _Take your fake words and stick ‘em where the sun don’t shine_ , Sebastian thought to himself as he let out his pent up breath.

It took Sebastian two weeks to finally come to a decision. The thoughts had milled about in his head for long enough. He knew he would have the house to himself for a few hours one afternoon when his parents were both out and Chelsea was at band practice. If he got home quickly, he would have enough time to do what he needed to.

On his chosen afternoon, Sebastian sat on the floor in the bathroom with a blade in one hand and the bottle of leftover oxycodone from his hospital visit. He didn’t know how many it would take – cuts or pills. But he figured two or three pills between each cut, as deep and long as he could stand. He did know that the cuts would get shallower as he got weaker though. _More pills the more cuts then._

The first cut burned with a fierce intensity and the blood was hot across his skin before it fell to the tiled floor beneath him. Sebastian struggled to unscrew the cap of the pill bottle but he managed, and tapped three straight into his mouth. It tasted horrible but he didn’t let the sensations faze him. He had to do this. He had to get back to Jesse.

More cuts, more blood, more pills. It still didn’t feel like anything to Sebastian. When he finally struck pain, it was with a spurt of bright red blood and the sickening rush of knowing that he had gone too far. He dropped the blade and clamped his hand over the new wound but the blood was running too fast and he still had no strength from what Jesse had done to him. Sebastian felt his breath quicken and his mind began to race as he tried to come to a solution. His green eyes fell on the bottle of pills beside him and he knew there was only one way out.

Sebastian felt lethargic and breathing took all of his effort. He lifted the bottle to his lips, tipping it back just as he heard the front door slam downstairs and Chelsea called out a greeting.

Sebastian swallowed the pills as he gulped in fear. _Oh God. Chelsea no, don’t come up here, please don’t find me_.

Sebastian could hear his sister’s footsteps on the stairs and he could hear her calling for him. He listened as she walked past the bathroom to his bedroom. He had to hide what he had done. She couldn’t find him like this. She couldn’t find him dying.

Chelsea was walking back down the hall. She knocked on the bathroom door.

“D-Don’t come in!” Sebastian called but his voice crackled and croaked.

“S-Seb? Are you okay?”

“Just leave me alone!”

“Sebastian…”

The bathroom door creaked open and Sebastian looked up to his sister. Chelsea had gone white, her eyes wide as she shook her head in horror.

"I'm so sorry," Sebastian whispered. He heard Chelsea scream but the only thing he felt was the sharp pain as his body gave up and his head cracked against the floor.


	11. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11:**

Sebastian drifted in and out of consciousness. He could hear people talking over him, to him, around him but he didn’t recognise them. He couldn’t feel anything and he welcomed sleep when it came back to him.

Waking up again seemed an insurmountable task. It was like when he’d fallen asleep but in reverse. He could hear – and this time _feel_ – but he couldn’t open his eyes. So when he woke from a nightmare that had seen him drowning in a fountain of his own blood, Sebastian was surprised to find himself staring into his sister’s worried eyes.

“Sebastian? Sebby, can you hear me?” Chelsea asked as she gently touched her brother’s face and held his hand.

“Ch-Chels?” Sebastian tried to look around the room but his head hurt.

“It’s okay, I’m here. You’re safe, you’re in the hospital,” Chelsea explained as she sat on the edge of the bed, mindful of Sebastian’s heavily bandaged arms. “Are you in any pain?”

Sebastian managed to nod his head before Chelsea pressed something into his hand, moving his thumb to rest over a button.

“Hit the button if you want some painkillers,” Chelsea murmured. She watched as Sebastian concentrated, as if pushing a button was the hardest thing to do in the entire universe, before he relaxed and sun back into the pillows.

“What happened?” Sebastian asked after a few moments, feeling the effects of the painkillers.

“I found you in the bathroom,” Chelsea began. “You were such a mess, Sebby. I called 9-1-1 and the ambulance brought you here. I thought you were dead…”

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian murmured. He wished he could wrap Chelsea up in his arms. He wished she hadn’t found him. He wished nobody had found him. He wished he hadn’t thought that.

“Don’t be sorry, okay? You’re here, that’s what matters. And you’re gonna get better and everything’s going to be okay.”

“Chelsea, I don’t know how,” Sebastian shook his head. “He was everything.”

Chelsea leaned over her brother and shook her head. “Don’t say that, Seb. It isn’t true. Uncle Dave explained it to us. Jesse hurt you because he didn’t know how to cope with something. And while he probably loved you, he didn’t know what he was doing. Some of the girls from school knew Jesse too and they were scared of him. I know you loved him, Sebastian, but he was not everything.”

Sebastian nodded before his sister leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“We’ll take care of each other, Seb. We’ll make it through this.”

Sebastian smiled up at her. “Where are Mom and Dad?”

“We’re right here, Sebastian,” Annabelle gasped as she rushed forward to stand on Sebastian’s other side. “Oh thank goodness you’re awake. We’ve been so worried.”

Marcus stood beside his daughter, smiling down at his son. “It’s good to see you, bud.”

“I’m so sorry,” Sebastian whispered as he looked between his family members. “I didn’t even leave a note.”

“Don’t you worry about a thing, Sebastian,” Annabelle murmured as she stroked his hair. “It’s all going to be okay. Anything you need us to do to help you, we’ll try our best to do it. You can transfer schools or we’ll move or whatever it is you need.”

“We were actually wondering if you would want to go on an extended vacation. Once Chelsea graduates of course,” Marcus said.

“I don’t want to run away,” Sebastian murmured.

“Of course not, sweetie, and we don’t expect you to,” Annabelle carefully took his hand. “But so much has happened. We thought you might want to go somewhere and clear your head. We didn’t really know how you were going to feel when you woke up.”

Sebastian swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I just don’t wanna be sad anymore.”

“Then how about we go to Paris?” Marcus asked. “A summer in Europe would be nice, yeah? We could visit Celeste and go to that patisserie you loved.”

Sebastian nodded. “I guess so.”

“Is there anything else we can do, Sebastian?” Annabelle asked.

“Just don’t leave me, okay?” he admitted, tears pricking at the backs of his eyes. His mother embraced him and he found himself crying into her shoulder as she rubbed his back.

“We’ll never leave you, Sebastian,” Annabelle whispered. “We’re family. We don’t leave family behind.”

Sebastian fought the pain as he carefully embraced his mother. Chelsea and Marcus joined them on the bed but his only thoughts were for Jesse. He wouldn’t forget what pain that boy had put him through but neither would he forget the love Jesse had given him and the lessons he had learned. He had given Jesse his heart and the boy had kept it in his pocket. Sebastian would never make that mistake again.


	12. Epilogue: Just Some Guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Sebastian sings for his audition is "21 Guns" by Green Day.

**EPILOGUE: JUST SOME GUY**

Paris had been like heaven and Sebastian hated to be back in Ohio. His parents had transferred him to some prestigious preppy private school called Dalton Academy. It was nice enough and no one bullied him but that didn’t change the fact that he had relapsed as soon as he’d come home. On his first day, as he walked down a staircase that seemed highly out of place for a high school, Sebastian could feel the bandages rubbing against his skin and fought to hide the grimace of pain.

The classes were harder than Sebastian was used to – even more so nothing that he hadn’t paid attention in class for the last two months of his sophomore year. Sebastian knew he would have to work hard here and he would make it work but he was adamant that he wouldn’t enjoy a single moment of it.

As he turned down the hallway towards his physics class, a flyer for something called “The Warblers” caught his eye. Sebastian shook his head, ignoring it, as he continued on his way. But as he moved through the school for the remainder of the day, he kept seeing the flyer. He quickly realised upon his passing glances that the school’s acapella choir was seeking new members with auditions that afternoon. Sebastian hated to admit it but the more he saw the flyer, the better an idea auditioning seemed to be.

When he found himself standing outside the doors to the senior commons – where the Warblers practiced – he couldn’t believe himself. Pacing back and forth, up and down the hallway, Sebastian couldn’t help but mentally scold himself. But he didn’t walk away and he didn’t understand why he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

The doors opened and a tall, slim boy with a mop of blond hair smiled at him.

“We’re ready for you,” he said before he stepped aside and watched as Sebastian entered the room.

A group of perhaps fifteen boys were sitting around on the couches and armchairs. They all smiled at Sebastian except for one curly-haired boy who seemed occupied by the fabric of his pants. Sebastian directed his attention to the three boys sitting behind a table. They all had brown hair and seemed about Sebastian’s age but they obviously had authority if they were special enough to get a table.

“So Sebastian, isn’t it?” the boy in the centre asked. “I’m Thad and these are my fellow council members Nick and Trent.”

The other two boys nodded their recognition before Thad continued.

“Just introduce yourself and tell us what song you’ll be singing and start when you’re ready,” Thad said with a smile.

Sebastian nodded as he turned to face the rest of the Warblers side on. “Hi, I’m Sebastian Smythe, just transferred in today. I’ll be singing “21 Guns” by Green Day.”

There was a pause and Sebastian took a steadying breath before he felt himself let go. His heart felt lighter than it had in months as he sang, his voice soaring like it never had before. He thought of the record store and the coffee shop and the stars on the ceiling as Jesse killed him. He fought back the tears and when he came to the end of the song, he gasped for breath.

A round of applause echoed through the room and Sebastian smiled in relief.

“Thank you, Sebastian, we’ll let you know the result of this audition tomorrow,” Thad said with a smile. Sebastian nodded, waving awkwardly to the rest of the group before he left.

While Sebastian was sitting outside in the car park waiting for his mother, one of the boys from the audition ran over to him. He couldn’t remember the boy’s name but knew he had been one of the boys sitting at the table.

“Hey, Sebastian right?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian answered. “Sorry, I don’t remember your name.”

“That’s okay, it’s your first day I’ll cut you some slack,” the boy laughed but it didn’t make Sebastian feel any better. “I’m Nick Duval.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“I just wanted to say that I thought your audition was really good. I’m not supposed to say anything, being on the council, but I really enjoyed the song. And you sang it with such heart, too.”

“Yeah, it’s something my ex said to me once. I sing with so much heart,” Sebastian laughed, mocking the idea but it went over Nick’s head.

“If you need a hand getting used to Dalton, don’t be afraid to ask. I know it’s scary at first but you’ll get used to it in no time.”

“Thanks,” Sebastian answered as his mother pulled into the lot and he got to his feet. “I’d better go.”

“I’ll see you ‘round then,” Nick said with a nod before he buried his hands in his pockets and walked away.

Sebastian climbed into his mother’s car, steeling himself for the barrage of questions he knew were coming.

“Who was that?” Annabelle asked.

Sebastian shrugged. “Nick, just some guy.”

Annabelle nodded before she pulled away from the curb and started the journey home. If his first day was any indication, Sebastian wasn’t going to enjoy Dalton one bit.


End file.
